Prowl and Sideswipe's Excellent Adventure
by vericus
Summary: G1, sort-of-slash - Prowl and Sideswipe get sent, in disguise, on a mission to Cybertron...but when they come back, they make a little detour after reporting to Prime, and Ratchet's collection of blackmail material grows exponentially.
1. An Excellent Adventure

**Disclaimer:** Considering what I do with them _now_, when I _don't_ own them, I think the universe would implode if I ever _did_ end up owning them. And since it's still here, they're not mine.

**Author's Note:** Once again...I got no excuse. I've had this monstrous idea squirreled away for over a month now, but never really wrote much on it until now. It was intended to be longer, detailing the mission Prowl and Sideswipe went on, but I could never pin down the details, beyond a scene with Sideswipe freaking out over having Skywarp flirt with him. So I just wrote the ending. And it turned into this cracktastic fic.

**- Prowl and Sideswipe's Excellent Adventure -**

"You. Come with me." Sunstreaker looked up in surprise at the unexpected command, and found Ratchet glaring at him not five feet away. The entire rec room quieted around them as the off-duty mechs turned to watch the show curiously.

"I didn't do anything?" the yellow Autobot questioned warily, and Ratchet's scowl deepened.

"I know that, you sorry glitch-head. Your 'brother', on the other hand..." Ratchet trailed off with a growl.

"Sideswipe's back?" Sunstreaker asked in stunned surprise, feeling along the bond with his twin, only to find the same distance as there had been ever since Sideswipe and Prowl had gone on that Primus-forsaken mission to Cybertron.

"Yes, he is." Ratchet said icily. "And while 'he' and Prowl have reported to Prime, they have yet to report to me to get their disguises removed."

"You're sure he's back?" Sunstreaker pushed, and Ratchet nodded, looking irritated.

"Yes, of course 'he's' back. You should know better than I." the medic said, and Sunstreaker scowled, knowing he was right. He felt along the bond again, searching carefully, and this time found the tell-tale sign that he was being blocked. Angry with his twin for deceiving him about his return, Sunstreaker blasted through the block without any gentleness, and Sideswipe's surprise and pain at the action flooded through him before the red twin managed to get a hold of himself. He immediately began to apologize, but Sunstreaker sensed the extra energy running through Sideswipe's systems, and with an angry snarl, blocked his twin, strongly enough that even doing the same thing Sunstreaker had just done wouldn't break through.

"That little glitch!" Sunstreaker snarled. Two months - two months - away on a secret mission to Cybertron with Prowl, and he came back without saying a word. No, worse, he came back with blocks up, so Sunstreaker didn't even know he was back.

"We're in agreement there." Ratchet snapped. "I assume you'll be perfectly willing to lead me to wherever he's hiding out?"

"As long as you can keep up with me." Sunstreaker snarled in reply, standing from his chair and stalking out of the rec room, Ratchet right behind. Whispers ran through the rec room after they left, and then Smokescreen, Bluestreak, Cliffjumper and Bumblebee got up and followed the two of them, wanting to see how this turned out. The group of mechs led by Sunstreaker quickly left the Ark, transforming and peeling off across the night-time desert. It was half an hour before Sunstreaker began to slow, and by that time, everyone could hear the thumping bass of the music coming from up ahead.

"What the frag is he doing?" Sunstreaker asked with a frown as he transformed, proceeding on foot as the terrain got rocky. There was a glow coming from beyond a nearby series of rock formations, the same place the music was coming from, and Sunstreaker didn't need to home in on his twin's spark to know which way to go anymore. There was obviously a party going on out here, and considering how over-energized Sideswipe had felt through the bond, he had to be there. Though, when Sunstreaker rounded the corner and got a good look at the party, he suddenly realized that he should've probed Sideswipe's mind a little more, or maybe asked Ratchet about just what disguises he'd given the two 'Bots that had gone to Cybertron.

Because no matter what his spark was telling him, Sunstreaker refused to accept that the pretty little red femme grinding with Blaster at the center of a crowd of humans was his twin.

"Whoa, who's that?" the appreciative comment came from behind Sunstreaker and he whirled to glare at the mechs that had followed he and Ratchet from the Ark. Smokescreen shrunk back guiltily, and Sunstreaker gave him an extra snarl before turning his attention to Ratchet. The medic, far from still being mad, was now smirking as he looking out at the two bots.

"I thought you wanted Sideswipe so you could remove his disguise." Sunstreaker said icily.

"Oh, I did, but the blackmail material I can get out of this is worth waiting until tomorrow to do that." Ratchet said with amusement.

"So you say." Sunstreaker snarled, then stomped over. He was careful at first not to step on any humans - no matter how mortified of, or angry over, his twin's actions he was, Prime wouldn't forgive him for stepping on any of the little fleshbags - but it quickly became unnecessary, as the humans saw him approaching and scattered off to the sides. They didn't go far, just hugging the nearby rocks to watch, and someone turning off the music so they could hear, though it was likely they would've been able to anyways, with the volumes Sunstreaker was planning on using. Well aware of the human and mech audience he had, Sunstreaker yanked Sideswipe away from Blaster, sending the 'femme' tumbling to the ground.

"Hey man, there's no need for that!" Blaster protested, then went silent as Sunstreaker gave him a murderous glare.

"I'll deal with you later." he hissed, and Blaster grimaced. Sunstreaker paid him no more mind, though, turning his attention to the red bot pushing 'herself' back upright unsteadily.

"Hiya Sunny!" 'she' said cheerfully as Sunstreaker stalked over to her.

"What in the Pits do you think you're doing, Sideswipe?!" Sunstreaker all but roared, and at the back of his mind, he realized that Blaster was among the mechs that gasped in shock - Sideswipe apparently hadn't told 'her' dance partner who 'she' was.

"Dancing?" Sideswipe said cheekily, swaying slightly from side to side, and Sunstreaker snarled, hands coming up as if to choke his twin. The threat seemed to penetrate Sideswipe's over-energized circuits, and 'she' chuckled uneasily, eyeing 'her' twin's hands. "Or, y'know, being a distraction."

"Distraction? From what?" Sunstreaker demanded.

"Eh-heh, um...that." Sideswipe said, pointing off to 'her' right with a wavering finger, behind the lights and speakers, and Sunstreaker wasn't the only mech who suddenly became aware of sounds coming from that direction - sounds of armor on armor, air cycling through vents, the crackle of electricity, and breathy gasps and exclamations. He suspected he'd regret it, but Sunstreaker couldn't stop himself as he peered into the darkness to spot whoever was making the noises. He saw movement, and took a step to the side so he could see it better. Then his optics widened as he realized that he'd been right - he already regretted moving to see better.

"Oh my fragging - gyaaaaaaah!" Sunstreaker said, jerking away. "I did not need to see that! Did not!"

"Well, you asked." Sideswipe replied with a shrug, then giggling as 'she' almost fell over.

"See what?" Blaster asked, stepping closer to where Sunstreaker was, only to pause as he saw the same thing as Sunstreaker. "Oh my, she's rather flexible, isn't she?"

"Blaster." Sunstreaker said calmly, and Blaster made a noise of acknowledgment, still not looking away. "Consider the fact that Sideswipe and Prowl just went on a mission together, in disguise. Then consider the fact that the 'femme' standing on my other side is Sideswipe, in disguise. Then take a moment to wonder if it's perhaps possible that Prowl and Sideswipe had the same kind of disguise...and put that together with the familiar paint job of the 'femme' who is...back there with Jazz." Sunstreaker said with a shudder, motioning in the direction of the speakers. Blaster took a moment to process what Sunstreaker had said, and then made a noise of surprise as he realized what the yellow warrior meant.

"Man. I wonder if Prowl can bend like that when she's a he?" Blaster mused.

"Stop looking you glitch-head!" Sunstreaker snapped, smacking Blaster on the back of the head, and Blaster gave him an affronted look. "Don't. Don't even try it, Mister I-was-just-grinding-with-your-twin."

"Hey now, she started it!" Blaster protested.

"If you value your spark, never refer to my brother in the female gender ever again." Sunstreaker snarled, then spun back to face Ratchet and glared. "You! Why aren't you doing anything?!"

"As I said, the blackmail material I'm getting is worth just waiting for things to play out." Ratchet said, coming to join Blaster and Sunstreaker. To Sunstreaker's horror, the medic moved so he could peer in-between the speakers as well, tilting his head to one side as he watched. "Hmm. I dare say her mech frame isn't that bendable, but then, I built that femme frame and I hadn't thought she could do that."

"Primus! What is wrong with you?!" Sunstreaker demanded, and Ratchet gave the yellow twin an amused look.

"Sunstreaker. Think about this for a moment. Prowl is disguised as a femme, clearly over-charged, and interfacing with Jazz behind a set of speakers, where anybody can see them if they just bother to look." the medic said. Sunstreaker snarled, but against his will, he thought it over, and suddenly stilled as it sunk in.

"Oh Primus!" Sunstreaker said, then whirled on the group of mechs that followed Ratchet and him from the Ark. "Please tell me one of you has a slagging camera!"

**- END -**


	2. Sideswipe's Excellent Morning After

**Disclaimer:** If I owned them, Sunstreaker would mutiny within an hour.

**Author's Note:** Because as much as Prowl wouldn't enjoy it, Sideswipe would.

**- Sideswipe's Excellent Morning After -**

Sunstreaker slowly came back online, aware of something cuddling up against him. That puzzled him, and he frowned as he tried to rid himself of the haze left from over-charging the night before and figure out what, or who, would be cuddling up against him. His CPU brought up the image of a red and white femme, and he flipped his optics on it surprise - a femme, on earth? Glancing over, Sunstreaker found it was true, and that only confused him more, so he reached out to Sideswipe, hoping his twin could explain.

When his reaching stopped at the femme currently snuggled up next to him, memory came flooding back to Sunstreaker, and with a startled yelp, he jumped away from the 'femme', only to be stopped by the wall. He was on the inside of the berth, with no way to get out except over - Sunstreaker's CPU stuttered at the thought - _Sideswipe_. Fortunately, Sunstreaker's yelped had woken the red femme. She stretched lazily, optics flicking on half-way through, as Sideswipe usually did, and then looked at Sunstreaker curiously.

"Problem, bro?" Sideswipe asked curiously.

"You - you're - wha - how -" Sunstreaker stuttered, very determinedly keeping his optics on his twin's face.

"Femme frames don't generate as much heat as mech ones." Sideswipe said with a shrug. "So I figured I'd just leech off your heat." Sunstreaker continued to stare at her, and she gained an irritated look. "What? We've shared heat like this enough times as mechs when it was cold!"

"Yeah - as mechs." Sunstreaker latched onto that important fact, and Sideswipe frowned, then unexpectedly grinned.

"What, does me being a femme somehow make it...wrong or something?" the red femme purred, shifting position languidly as she eyed Sunstreaker. The yellow warrior scowled, knowing Sideswipe was enjoying his discomfort.

"It just makes it a little _weird_." Sunstreaker gritted out. "I'm used to having a brother, not a sister."

"And I'm used to being a mech, not a femme." Sideswipe said with an amused smirk. Sunstreaker squashed the thought that the expression looked kinda sexy on this femme version of Sideswipe. "I also had to spend the last two months trying not to stare at Prowl's aft and think how sexy it was. So believe me, I know weird." With that, Sideswipe hopped off the berth, and Sunstreaker warily came to sat on the edge as his twin leaned over the chair in front of their computer terminal to check her schedule for the day. Sunstreaker looked away uncomfortably as this gave him a nice view of Sideswipe's aft, and the red twin's previous comment made Sunstreaker start contemplating the view.

"Hmm, appointment with Ratchet first thing. Not surprised." Sideswipe mused from the terminal, and then chuckled, and Sunstreaker risked looking back, only to wince and look away again quickly as he saw Sideswipe still bending over the chair, but now giving him that same amused, _sexy_ smirk from before.

"Could you...not do that?" Sunstreaker asked, shifting uncomfortably.

"Do what?" Sideswipe asked pleasantly, and Sunstreaker risked another glance, just to make sure his twin was in the same position before waving vaguely at it.

"That." he said.

"What, you mean stand here and smirk like I always do?" Sideswipe asked innocently.

"You're not actually a femme, Sideswipe, so I have no problem with hitting you." Sunstreaker said, glaring back at his twin.

"Go right head, I got a nice target for ya right here." Sideswipe said, wiggling her aft in invitation and grinning wildly. Sunstreaker groaned and let his head fall into his hands at the thoughts that spawned, and Sideswipe laughed. "Y'know what the fun part about this really is, though?" Sideswipe mused, and Sunstreaker grunted, not sure he wanted to know. Sideswipe took it as an inquiry, though, or just didn't care whether or not Sunstreaker wanted to know, and she continued, "I think I'm actually prettier than you as a femme." Sunstreaker's head snapped up, and for the first time, he did a thorough inspection of his 'sisters' frame and armour.

"You are _not._" he concluded with a scowl. "You're certainly still as _dirty_."

"Awww, Sunstreaker's jealoooous!" Sideswipe sing-songed, and Sunstreaker firmly pushed aside the weirdness of the soprano voice to deal with the taunt.

"I am not, it's just the truth." he said firmly.

"I'm prettier than you when I'm a femme, just admit it!" Sideswipe said with grin, standing and planting her hand on her hips.

"I don't need to admit it because it's not true." Sunstreaker said stubbornly.

"Oh really?" Sideswipe asked with amusement.

"Yes, really." Sunstreaker said, standing and stalking over to Sideswipe. "And you know why? Because, for a mech, I am perfectly proportioned, not to mention I wax and repair paint chips regularly. You're not to bad yourself as a mech, either, but as a femme - well, your shoulders are too broad, your chassis is too small, you have no waist, your legs are too thick and your arms too long. You look better as a mech than a femme, really." Sideswipe listened to Sunstreaker's rant with an annoyed expression, but far from arguing back once his twin was finished, the red femme took a step forward, so that she and Sunstreaker were literally chassis-to-chassis.

"Well, not all of us can be as perfect as you, Sunstreaker..." Sideswipe purred sexily, and Sunstreaker was sure that the way she said his name was illegal in the human country they were in. Then he became aware of his revving engine and heated circuits, and he jerked away with a curse.

"I hate you." he said viciously, pointing to his twin, and Sideswipe smirked.

"I should probably go see Ratchet before he gets cranky." the red twin said, then headed for the door, swaying her hips as she walked. "Y'know, I wonder how Prowl's handling things this morning, considering what she and Jazz were doing last night."

"GYAAAH!" Sunstreaker yelped as Sideswipe stepped out of their room. "Thank you _so much_ for reminding me of that! I'd finally managed to _block it out!"_

"I know." Sideswipe shot over her shoulder with a smirk, then shut the door in Sunstreaker's face when he lunged at her. The yellow twin could hear her cackling all the way down the hall.

**- END -**


	3. Prowl's Not So Excellent Morning After

**Disclaimer:** Really, really...really not mine.

**Author's Note:** Because it needed to be written.

**- Prowl's Not So Excellent Morning After -**

Trailbreaker looked up in mild interest as Ratchet strolled into the command center, only partly concerned by the medic's large smirk. The story of what Prowl and Sideswipe had been found doing last night after returning from their mission to Cybertron had spread through the Ark already, so it wasn't really startling to see Ratchet looking smug with himself this morning. It was a little odd to see him up so early, but Trailbreaker thought nothing of it until Jazz staggered into the command center, shaking off the lingering after affects of high grade, recharge and, according to tales, multiple interfacings.

"Good morning, Jazz." Ratchet said pleasantly.

"Mornin', Ratch'!" Jazz replied with a not-quite-forced smile before heading over to Trailbreaker's station. The black bot got up without a word, allowing Jazz to take his seat. "How's business, 'Breaker?" Jazz asked as he began checking the logs.

"Quiet. Unlike certain hallways last night." Trailbreaker said, and Jazz stiffened slightly, then relaxed and grinned widely.

"Yeah. Sorry 'bout that." the saboteur said lazily.

"No need to apologize." Trailbreaker said, leaning against the console. Now that he knew why Ratchet was in the command center this early, he wasn't about to miss the show, so he stayed and chatted with Jazz as he waited for Prowl to make 'his' inevitable appearance. Jazz must have begun to suspect something was up, because he kept shooting Ratchet curious looks, but the medic just wandered around the command center, smiling to himself, and answered any questions with vague one or two word answers.

And then, finally, an hour after the start of Jazz's shift, Prowl stepped in. 'She' was as poised as usual, though she somehow managed to look crankier as a femme than a mech, and when her gaze settled on Ratchet almost immediately, Trailbreaker knew he was really in for a show, and settled back with a smirk to watch. Jazz, noticing Trailbreaker's change in posture, turned curiously to the doorway, freezing as he spotted Prowl.

"Ratchet. I believe your shift in the med bay started a little over an hour ago?" Prowl said icily.

"I was just up here getting some things from Teletraan." Ratchet replied mildly.

"I'm sure." Prowl said dryly. "Med bay. Now. Sideswipe's already waiting."

"Waiting for what?" Ratchet asked with a smirk, and Prowl twitched before marching over to the medic. The tactician had always been shorter than Ratchet, even in mech form, but somehow she managed to give the impression of looming over him anyways, and Trailbreaker had the pleasure of seeing Ratchet actually look a little worried for a moment. Apparently Ratchet had learned, like all mechs, to be wary of angry femmes. The fact that this femme was technically a mech didn't really matter, considering Prowl's normal temper.

"Ratchet, as entertaining as I'm sure you're finding this, I don't think Prime would be too pleased to have the Decepticons attack while Sideswipe and I still look like this." Prowl snarled. Ratchet smirked at that, his gaze flicking to Jazz for a moment, and Trailbreaker realized this had the opportunity the medic had been waiting for.

"Then perhaps you two shouldn't have decided to go out and party before coming to me to get your disguises removed, _Prowl._" Ratchet said pointedly, and when he finished, the medic and Trailbreaker both glanced to Jazz, but the saboteur, maddeningly, was only watching with amusement. Trailbreaker wondered if perhaps Ratchet's words just hadn't hit Jazz yet, but the saboteur's next words proved that they had.

"You're th'one always sayin' Prowl need t'lighten up an' relax some, Ratch'." Jazz drawled, and both Ratchet and Trailbreaker looked at him in surprise before a strange noise brought their attention back to Prowl.

The tactician was staring at Jazz with a shocked expression, and Trailbreaker could barely hold in his laughter as he realized what was going on. Apparently Jazz had known exactly who he'd been interfacing with last night...but he'd figured it out on his own, and Prowl hadn't realized he knew. So Jazz was, once again, not embarrassed, but Prowl looked completely mortified now. Ratchet looked positively gleeful.

"I'm not head'a special ops for nothin', Prowl." Jazz said with amusement, then turned back to his station. "Besides, mech or femme, y'move an' flirt th'same way." Prowl went from mortified to seething with anger in an instant, and Trailbreaker wondered if perhaps Prowl wasn't actually really a femme deep down - she certainly seemed to have no trouble acting like one. Though, she _did_ have two months of practice behind her.

No matter the reason for Prowl's behaviour, there was no doubt that the emotions behind it were real enough, and Trailbreaker stepped back quickly when the tactician stalked over. She spun Jazz's chair back around, then leaned forward, bringing herself face-to-face with the startled saboteur.

"And you're a glitch-slagged _jerk_ no matter what the situation." Prowl snarled, optics flashing, then abruptly spun and stalked out of the room, grabbing Ratchet's arm on her way out and dragging him with her. Jazz stared after the retreating tactician for several moments before looking up at Trailbreaker.

"Is it just me, or did Prowl just act like more of a femme than Chromia normally does?" the saboteur asked, and Trailbreaker broke down laughing.

**- END -**


	4. Prowl's Excellent Explanation

**Disclaimer:** I don't even seem to own my brain anymore, let alone the Transformers...

**Author's Note:** Optimus is my hero. Also, for a random note, it occurred to me that Sideswipe's Morning After fits better before Prowl's, since this addition follows literally right after Prowl's Morning After, so I've swapped them around...

**- Prowl's Excellent Explanation -**

Jazz chuckled as he shooed the still-laughing Trailbreaker out of the command center, then returned to his console. The saboteur only really paid the monitor before him partial attention as he tried to calculate just how bad Prowl's revenge was going to be, as well as just what he was going to have to do to convince the tactician that he was more than willing to repeat the previous night's activities even after Ratchet removed Prowl's femme disguise. Jazz had gotten the former down to 'unholy amounts of maintenance work and long-range patrols', and just begun on some of the more pleasant possibilities for the latter, when Teletraan beeped imperiously at the saboteur.

Pushing pleasant thoughts aside, Jazz turned his attention to the monitor and frowned lightly as he saw Decepticons apparently trying to take over Mexico. Either that or Rumble was attempting to learn the Mexican hat dance, and his brothers and Soundwave had come along to shoot anyone who laughed. With Rumble, either was a distinct possibility. Unfortunately, the presence of the Decepticon's foremost trine of Seekers lent more credibility to the first option, which meant Jazz needed to let Optimus know what was going on. So he paged the Autobot leader to the control room, then set about taking a still-frame of Rumble wearing the sombrero and added it to the 'Reasons We Love Earth' folder on Teletraan's main drive.

"What is it, Jazz?" Optimus asked as he stepped into the control room, and Jazz motioned to the monitor as he turned to face his commander. Optimus stared at it for a moment.

"Is he...dancing?" the Autobot leader looked disturbed, and Jazz whipped his head around to stare at the monitor, finding that Rumble had, in fact, begun to dance.

"Well, I was gonna say the 'Cons are takin' over Mexico, but 'parently Rumble's just decided t'learn t'dance." Jazz said dryly after a moment, discreetly instructing Teletraan to record the feed and save it in the same directory as the still-frame.

"Badly, at that." Optimus mused. "We had best stop him before he traumatizes the population."

"Yeah, not t'mention Starscream an' his cronies are 'parently back t'causin' trouble." Jazz agreed.

"Indeed." Optimus said, then came over and activated the Ark's internal comm line. "Prowl, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Bluestreak, Ironhide, Cliffjumper, Bumblebee, Trailbreaker, Hound, Wheeljack, and Skyfire, report to the command center for battle duty."

_"...Battle duty?"_ Prowl's clearly incredulous question came back after only a few seconds, and Jazz smiled faintly - there was no way Ratchet had had enough time to remove Prowl and Sideswipe's disguises, so it wasn't hard to figure out why Prowl was uncharacteristicly questioning 'her' commander's orders.

"Yes, Prowl. The Decepticons are causing trouble in Mexico." Optimus replied, seeming puzzled as to why his second-in-command was hesitating. Prowl's voice hadn't changed overly much to go with her disguise - oddly, the tactician had a fairly androgynous vocal range - so Optimus wasn't aware of the problem. "You did assure me yesterday that you and Sideswipe would be fit for normal duty today, despite your recent mission. Has that changed?"

_"Ah, no, not at all." _Prowl hurriedly reassured her commander, cutting off what sounded like the beginning of a curse from the only currently male twin.

"Good." Optimus said, just as Trailbreaker returned to the command center. The black mech was still grinning broadly, undoutbedly having heard the exchange and figured out the reason for it as easily as Jazz, and he sidled over to the saboteur as they waited for the other mechs to begin to arrive. Ironhide was next, followed by the two mini-bots, then Hound and Bluestreak, with Skyfire ducking in just behind them. Last to come, all in a clump, were the twins, Prowl, and Wheeljack, closely followed, unsurprisingly, by Ratchet, who was grinning broadly. The medic didn't approach Optimus or the other Autobots, instead settling himself against the wall next to the door. Jazz gave him an amused look - Ratchet seemed to be, by far, getting the most entertainment out of Prowl and Sideswipe being disguised as femmes. Though, everyone seemed pretty amused as they watched Optimus stare down at his femme tactician with a rather blank look.

"Prowl..." Optimus finally said after a few moments, and Prowl stiffened visibly.

"Yes sir?" she asked curtly.

"Why haven't you and Sideswipe had your disguises removed?" Optimus asked, his tone unreadable. There was a noticeable silence as the mechs, and one other femme, in the room waited to hear Prowl's answer. There was little chance that Prowl would tell the truth - though it would've been entertaining to see the tactician try to explain just why she'd gone out, gotten drunk, and then spent most of the night interfacing with Jazz - so everyone wanted to know what sort of excuse she was going to come up with.

"...Technical difficulties." Prowl said after a pause, and someone snickered slightly, only to stop as Prowl swept everyone with an angry glare.

"Technical difficulties." Optimus repeated blandly.

"Yes." Prowl confirmed.

"What type?" Optimus inquired. Prowl only hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Navigational." she said.

"Navigational." Optimus repeated again, looking incredulous. "You had navigational difficulties."

"Yes." Prowl stated flatly. "Our navigational systems malfunctioned and gave us incorrect data."

"And so you...got lost." Optimus concluded, sounding disbelieving.

"Yes." Prowl said solemnly, while everyone around the room, even Sideswipe, tried to hold back grins.

"You got lost, going from my office, to the med bay." Optimus elaborated, as if he was trying to make sure he was really hearing this.

"Yes sir." Prowl said.

"In the Ark. Which you helped oversee the building of, and spent hours looking at the blueprints for. You got lost." Optimus said, and Prowl actually gave the commander an annoyed look.

"_Yes_." she replied. Optimus turned his gaze to Sideswipe then, and the red twin nodded solemnly in agreement, though it was clear she was holding back a grin.

"Have these...navigational difficulties been...dealt with, since then?" Optimus asked, gaze shifting to Ratchet, who nodded merrily, not even bothering to hide his grin.

"They're good as new, Optimus. I was just about to remove their disguises when you called them up here." the medic said.

"There will be no problems with them joining us in Mexico, though." Optimus concluded, and Ratchet nodded again.

"None!" he said cheerily.

"Good." Optimus said with a decisive nod. "Skyfire?" the large white mech nodded and acknowledgement and headed for the entrance of the Ark, most of the others following behind him. Prowl almost seemed to wilt with relief before following after everyone else at a slower pace, only to stiffen and snarl when a grinning Sideswipe dropped back to talk to her. Jazz would have followed, but stopped when he realized Optimus was still standing in the same spot, watching the mechs go with an amused expression.

"Optimus?" Jazz asked curiously. Optimus remained silent for a few moments, watching, before giving Ratchet an amused look. The medic flashed his commander a grin, then pushed away from the wall and strolled out himself, whistling. Only once he was gone did Optimus turn to Jazz and speak:

"I've heard you called many things over the vorns, Jazz. But I believe 'navigational malfunction' is a new one."

With that, the large mech followed the other Autobots, leaving his third-in-command gaping after him.

**- END -**


	5. A Not So Excellent Battle

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, sure, like I even _want_ to own a horny gestalt team...

**Author's Note:** I apologize ahead of time for the mental scarring this chapter may cause.

**- Sideswipe and Prowl's Not-So-Excellent Battle -**

_"Proooowl, Skywarp's hitting on me again!"_ Sideswipe whined over the comm line.

_"So shoot him."_ Prowl snipped in reply. _"It stopped him last time."_

_"Yeah, until he decided that just meant I was playing hard to get and he tried to _serenade _me."_ Sideswipe muttered.

_"Sideswipe. See Menasor, running around in circles and making lewd comments?"_ Prowl asked with irritation. _"If you'll recall, I'm the one he's chasing and making those comments to."_

_"Well, yeah -" _Sideswipe began, only to be interrupted by the tactician,

_"SO WHY THE SLAG ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT SKYWARP?!" _she yelled.

_"Good point."_ Sideswipe replied after a pause.

_"If you two ladies're finished comparing suitors, could ya focus on th'fight please?"_ Ironhide commented irritably, reminding both Prowl and Sideswipe that they were on an open comm line.

_"Slag you, Ironhide."_ the two of them responded at the same time, and there were sniggers from the other Autobots on the line.

_"Settle down, everyone."_ Optimus said, and the line quieted after a series of apologetic murmurs. Full attention was turned back to the battle with the Decepticons, which was actually going quite well, despite the fact that both the Stunticons and Megatron had shown up after the Autobots had left the Ark. This was partially due to Menasor's...preoccupation...with Prowl, as not only was the femme thoroughly distracting the gestalt, but Megatron was only half paying attention to the battle, spending the other half screaming at Menasor to stop chasing the shiny femme and attack the Autobots. Another reason the battle was going so well was Skywarp's apparent attraction to Sideswipe, which he was quite vocal and demonstrative about. This also put Sunstreaker out of the fight, as the yellow warrior had worked himself into a blind rage in his attempts to tear Skywarp limb from limb for daring to touch _his_ twin, but there wasn't really anyone for the twins to get into melee with, anyways, unless you counted Soundwave, and Ironhide had him under control.

The final reason the fight was going so well was the fact that Rumble and Frenzy had taken one look at Menasor chasing after Prowl and began laughing. They had yet to stop, and had only laughed harder when Skywarp had begun hitting on Sideswipe. They also appeared to be the only two Decepticons to know exactly who the two 'femmes' were, having grabbed Jazz as he ran by after Ravage and demanded identities for future mental traumatisation of Skywarp and the Stunticons.

All in all, the battle was more of a joke than anything else, and eventually even Megatron realized it. Unfortunately, Menasor was still not listening to anyone, which presented a bit of a problem in the 'retreat' department. Megatron seemed to realize it as soon as he gave the order, and for a full minute, he just hovered in the air, frowning at the Stunticon gestalt while Soundwave gathered up his cassettes (literally forcing Rumble and Frenzy into their alt modes to do so) and Thundercracker and Starscream pulled Skywarp, now reciting poetry (badly), away from a seething Sunstreaker and a mortified Sideswipe. Finally, the Decepticon leader apparently came to a conclusion, and flew down to join Optimus, who was watching his second-in-command lead the gestalt in circles with amusement.

"Prime. We appear to have a bit of a problem." he said.

"Apparently." Optimus replied, and the Autobot leader would never confess to how hard it was at that moment to stop himself from making a comment about horny mechs and just what Megatron could do to help prevent future occurrences.

"I don't suppose you have an idea for a solution?" Megatron inquired. Optimus thought for a moment.

"I believe I do." the Autobot commander said, then turned and looked back at his troops. "Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, could you please give Prowl some back-up?"

_"What?_ Are you slagging kidding me?!" Sideswipe demanded. "I'm not going over there, not with a horny gestalt running around!"

"In case you'd forgotten, Sideswipe, you and your brother's Lamborghini alt forms are some of the Autobot's fastest." Optimus said mildly. Sideswipe looked sheepish as she realized the Autobot commander meant for them to get Prowl away from Menasor. "Now, will you give Prowl some back-up before she runs out of energy?"

"Of course, sir." Sideswipe said meekly, while Sunstreaker just grunted, eyeing the gestalt warily. Still, the two transformed and sped off. It was only once they were out of hearing range that Megatron turned to Optimus with an amused expression on his face.

"You do realize, of course, that Menasor is equipped with anti-grav thrusters." the Decepticon leader drawled.

"Superion is approximately an hour away." Optimus said blandly. "Until then, having two targets should keep Menasor from wandering very far, and Sunstreaker can work out some of his rage in a useful endeavour." Megatron thought about that for a moment, and watched as the Autobot twins discovered that even Lamborghini's couldn't out-run something that could fly fast enough to keep up with military jets. Then the Decepticon leader looked up to where Skywarp was still struggling against his trine-mates, apparently incensed at how Menasor was now chasing after 'his' femme.

"Starscream." Megatron said, activating his comm line, and his air commander gave him an irritated look, clearly asking what the slag his leader wanted now. "Let him go." Starscream looked incredulous, but as if on cue, Sunstreaker let out a loud war cry and literally threw himself at Menasor, and Megatron's point was made. Starscream and Thundercracker let go of Skywarp, and the black and purple Seeker teleported directly over Menasor's head, already screaming at the gestalt and firing. The two Cybertronian leaders just stood and watched, their confused/amused troops waiting behind them, until Superion finally showed up.

After that, the fight was short, as the second gestalt could keep Menasor's attention long enough for the two femmes to get out of sight. Once they were gone, and Skywarp had been hauled back into formation by his wing mates, some spark of Menasor's intelligence apparently returned, and Megatron was able to order a retreat and have the order followed. He and the other Decepticons left without saying another word (though not for lack of trying on Rumble and Frenzy's parts), while Optimus suddenly found himself facing two very pissed-off femmes demanding to know why he had just let them run around in circles until Superion showed up, instead of _helping_.

**- END -**


	6. Sideswipe's Excellent Last Moments

**Disclaimer:** The Transformers ain't mine, though with all the idiots on the road this time of year, I kinda wish my car was a Decepticon just so it could squish them...

**Author's Note:** This is mostly the fault of my own brain making connections it shouldn't while looking at vejiraziel's posts...

**- Sideswipe's Excellent Last Moments -**

"Whatcha doing?" Sideswipe asked curiously, peering over the scientist's shoulder. Said scientist let out a yelp and jerked away, clearly surprised, and Sideswipe grinned at him.

"Sideswipe...ah...hello." was the eventual response.

"Hello indeed." Sideswipe almost purred, leaning against the lab table with an amused smile. She ran her gaze up and down the mech in front of her, then casually glanced back down at the lab table. "So?"

"Ah?" Sideswipe looked back over at the scientist with amusement.

"What are you working on?" the red twin asked, her voice only lightly teasing.

"Oh, I'm investigating a new alloy that Skyfire's been experimenting with, it's quite fascinating. The meta-" the scientists stopped mid-word with a frown, giving Sideswipe a suspicious look. "Why do you want to know?"

"Just curious." Sideswipe said with her best innocent look, and the scientist frowned.

"I do hope you're not involving me or any of my materials in one of your...pranks." he said disdainfully.

"No no, nothing like that." Sideswipe murmured, pushing away from the table and sauntering over to the mech a few feet away. "I was just...curious. You and I never really have spent much time around one another. It seems the only time I see you is at briefings, and you're always all excited at those. So I thought I'd come see firsthand what gets you so...excited." The last was said in a purr as Sideswipe leaned in towards the mech in front of her, carefully staying just millimetres away from touching him, except for one hand, which lightly brushed a seam in the mech's armour.

"Wha - what are you doing?" the mech stuttered, looking shocked.

"Investigating." Sideswipe murmured innocently, letting her hand wander down to the mech's hips to play with the joints in the armour there, occasionally pushing past the armour to the sensitive wires below. The scientist in front of her let out the most delightful noises at that, only to suddenly shake himself.

"This - this is highly unap - unapprop -" the mech was suddenly cut off as Sideswipe leaned in and kissed him thoroughly. Only once he stopped trying to speak did Sideswipe pull away.

"You get so focused on and excited about your projects, and I've long wondered...are you like that with...everything?" she asked coyly. The scientist stared down at her, and Sideswipe could practically see the gears turning in his head. In an attempt to turn the gears in her favour, Sideswipe indulged herself in another bout of curiosity, sliding her hand up his side to caress the barrel attached to his shoulder. To Sideswipe's delight, the mech's optics almost instantly flicked off as he let out a deep moan. Sideswipe grinned to herself, then leaned in close to the scientist's audio. "Aren't you a little curious about how well Ratchet and Wheeljack made this disguise?" she purred, and held back a giggle as her answer was arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her close.

---

"Alright, Sunstreaker. Where's Sideswipe - she's up next." Ratchet said as he stepped into the med bay's 'waiting room', leaving Wheeljack in the med bay proper to finish the last of the scans before bringing the finally undisguised Prowl back on-line.

"I don't want to know." Sunstreaker mumbled from where he sat, curled up in a corner, hiding his head in his arms.

"Well, I _need_ to know. I'm not going to wait around all day to remove her disguise." Ratchet replied, frowning at the yellow warrior. "And as I recall, you want it removed more than she does."

"Oh yeah, I do. I really do." Sunstreaker said mournfully, lifting his head from his arms and giving Ratchet a woeful look. "I'd be more than happy to go hunt him down and drag him in here."

"But?" Ratchet asked with an arched optic ridge, sensing there was more to the statement.

"But I know what he's doing." Sunstreaker said with a wince. "I'm trying to avoid finding out who with. Because I don't want to know. At all."

"Who he's..." Ratchet trailed off as he realized what Sunstreaker meant. "Oh for Primus' sake...didn't she get enough of horny mechs earlier today?"

"Evidently not." Sunstreaker said miserably. "Go find him for me?"

"Slag no. She's your twin. You're the one that can find her no matter where in the fragging galaxy she is. Plus, you could've just stopped her when she left." Ratchet said with a snort.

"He didn't tell me where he was going!" Sunstreaker protested. "Just...he's down the hall, somewhere close. Go find him, don't tell me who he's with."

"Sunstreaker, if you make me go find her, I will take pictures and force you to look at them." Ratchet threatened, then paused, considering, "Though, if she's down the hall, there's really only one mech -"

"GYAH! Don't!" Sunstreaker demanded.

"One way or the other, you're going to find out, Sunstreaker." Ratchet said with a scowl.

"No, no I'm not, I'm - oh." Sunstreaker paused, then smiled brightly. "He's done, and coming back."

"How lucky for you." Ratchet said dryly, shaking his head, and turned as the door opened. Then he stared in shock as Sideswipe pulled Perceptor into one last lusty kiss before sauntering inside, looking distinctly pleased with herself. Perceptor had a somewhat dazed expression on his face, which he shook away after a moment before giving Ratchet a polite nod and heading back down the hallway in the direction of his lab. Ratchet shook his head - for all that he'd been prepared to mention the idea to Sunstreaker, the medic hadn't actually believed that Sideswipe could manage such a feat. Apparently, however, a femme Sideswipe was even more adept at charming others into interfacing with her than a mech one was.

"That's it. I'm disowning you, Sideswipe." Sunstreaker moaned, letting his head fall back into his arms as the doors closed.

"What? You're the one who always said he needed a good interface or two to loosen him up." Sideswipe replied innocently.

"Med bay, Sideswipe. Now." Ratchet said, shaking his head. Sideswipe grinned and obeyed.

**- END -**


	7. Sideswipe's Excellent Wagers

**Disclaimer:** Well, see, I did own them at one point, but them I made this wager with Sideswipe, and now he (and by 'he', I mean Hasbro or whoever) owns everybody. Including me.

**Author's Note:** I apologize for Prowl's characterization in this chapter. He just demanded things be done this way, and to hell with 'proper' characterization of him. My only excuse is that he spent the last two months with only a bunch of femmes and Sideswipe. The need to get Sideswipe back for what he must've had to endure, combined with the extremely weird recent events, must have caused him to crack slightly. And by 'slightly' I mean 'completely'. Because Prowl was already 'slightly' cracked when he gave Optimus that 'explanation'...

**- Sideswipe's Excellent Wagers -**

Prowl and Sideswipe entered the rec room that evening to loud cat-calls and whistles. Sideswipe posed for them, showing off his now-normal form, while Prowl just shook his head and headed for the energon dispenser. He was followed not long after by the twins, who refused to let the tactician sit at his usual table in the corner, instead dragging him over to the collection of mechs sitting on the couches at the far end of the rec room, around the TV. The couches were mostly full, but room was made for the three new arrivals, and Prowl was forced to sit between the twins, though his glare showed how unhappy he was about it.

"Aw, lighten up, Prowl." Sideswipe said with a grin.

"I already did that. It got me chased by Menasor." Prowl stated flatly, and there was a moment's silence before the Autobots realized that the stoic tactician had just made a _joke_. The mechs around him burst out laughing, and Prowl leaned back with a faint smile, evidently having resigned himself to his location now that he'd made his displeasure with it clear. He stayed there, sitting quietly between the twins and sipping his energon, as the others eventually calmed and began bombarding Sideswipe with questions about the mission to Cybertron.

Sideswipe told them what he could (the real reason for the mission was top secret, after all), and finally got around to passing on the various messages from femmes that he'd been given. More mechs arrived or were called in while this was going on, leaving Sideswipe literally at the center of attention for every off-duty mech in the Ark. The red twin, needless to say, loved every moment of it, and did his best to drag Prowl into it. He didn't succeed, however, until the others finally ran out of questions about the mission and thought to ask about more recent happenings.

"There's one thing you haven't mentioned, though." Cliffjumper commented thoughtfully when there was a lull in the conversation. "When we ran into the Decepticons, Skywarp was acting like he already knew you. And you mentioned something about him flirting with you 'again'. So where did you meet him before?" Sideswipe suddenly shifted uncomfortably.

"Ah - well, that part of the mission is a little...classified." he said hesitantly.

"The part where you started flirting with Skywarp isn't." Prowl commented, earning himself a glare from Sideswipe.

"Sideswipe, I take back my disowning of you. Because I can't be related to someone I don't even fragging _know_." Sunstreaker said with a wince from Prowl's other side, causing a few chuckles.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a pain in the aft?" Sideswipe asked Prowl, still glaring.

"You have, more than once. You've also implied that I have something _in _my aft." Prowl stated. "Which is rather disrespectful to say to a superior officer, and someday I'll get around to writing you up for it. Actually, if you're finished your story-telling, I might just go do it now -" Prowl made as if to get up, only to be shoved back down by Sideswipe, who gave him an even darker glare.

"This is payback for losing that bet, isn't it?" the red twin asked.

"Why would I need payback for that?" Prowl asked blandly.

"Why would - oh slaggit. Fine! I'll tell where I ran into Skywarp before, though really there's not much of a story behind it." Sideswipe grumped.

"And after do we get to hear about this bet?" Hound asked with amusement. Between the joke earlier and his recent comments, it was clear to everyone that Prowl was in an odd mood tonight, and more than a few of them were eager to keep the tactician there as long as possible to see just what would happen.

"Sure, why not!" Sideswipe said, sounding exasperated. "We might as well let _all_ the secrets out. I mean, it's not as if it was a secret mission or anything."

"The mission itself may be secret, but most of the things you did were not, Sideswipe." Prowl stated. "Now are you going to tell them, or shall I started writing those reports?"

"I can't believe you're threatening me with insubordination reports to get me to tell them." Sideswipe half-whined with a shake of his head.

"One must find their entertainment where they can." Prowl replied.

"I...am not going to even touch that." Sideswipe said with a grimace, then when a few mechs began to complain about how long he was taking to tell them, he turned back to them with a sigh. "Alright, alright. I warned you, though - it's not much of a story."

"Just get on with it!" Trailbreaker demanded, and Sideswipe chuckled slightly.

"I am, I am!" he said, then settled himself more comfortably on the couch before continuing, "So there was this Decepticon lab that we had to get into and steal something from," he began, "We were able to get in quite easily, thanks to the femmes, and stole what we were supposed to. Thing is, on our way out, we discovered that Megatron had sent Thundercracker and Skywarp to check up on the very thing we'd just stolen. We almost literally ran into them in the hallway. Unsurprisingly, we were all a little startled. Skywarp was, of course, oblivious to anything beyond the fact that there were apparently femmes in front of him, while Thundercracker was immediately suspicious." Sideswipe paused here, and Prowl took the opportunity to butt in.

"And so Sideswipe came up with the brilliant idea to convince them that we had been there keeping some of the scientists...company." the tactician said dryly. "Then he began flirting with Skywarp."

"Hey, you flirted a bit with Thundercracker, too!" Sideswipe said with a scowl.

"He's bonded, though." Prowl pointed out. "Also, I didn't subsequently disappear into an office with him."

"_Whaaaat?!_" Sunstreaker's yelp caused much laughter as the yellow twin gave his brother a look that was a mixture of horror and betrayal. "You - you - _Primus! _You are not allowed to do Jet Judo on Skywarp _ever again_."

"It wasn't like that!" Sideswipe protested, glaring at Prowl. "We got about two steps into the office before I shot him, then slipped out. Prowl got away from Thundercracker on his own, and we met up out front later."

"So what about the serenading?" Bumblebee asked, obviously having remembered the comment during the battle.

"Well, it took us a few tries to get back from Cybertron, because we kept running into problems on our way to the space bridge." Sideswipe said with a sigh. "One time it was Skywarp spotting us. He swooped down to have a 'chat', in which he expressed his opinion that I was just playing hard to get, and he could deal with that, as he didn't mind putting a little effort into 'relationships'.

"And then...he started singing." Sideswipe said with a grimace. "And let me tell you, he has absolutely _no_ talent. I could only watch and listen, paralyzed with horror, until Prowl finally shot him."

"My audios were giving me warnings about an imminent short-out." Prowl said with a shrug, and when there was laughter at that, he gave the other mechs a surprised look. "I'm not joking." the tactician said. "We actually had to replace Sideswipe's when we got back to the femme base." Laughter stopped as the mechs looked horrified.

"Yeah, he really is that bad." Sideswipe said with a shudder. "Be glad all some of you got to hear was poetry." There was a smattering of laughter and teasing comments from the other mechs before someone asked about the bet.

"Right, the bet that Prowl foolishly made and lost." Sideswipe said with a smirk in Prowl's direction.

"I only lost due to a lack of correct information." Prowl said in his own defence. "I was...unaware...that Moonracer, hm, I believe the term is 'swung that way'." There was a pause as the other Autobots tried to comprehend what Prowl had just implied. The silence was finally broken by Sunstreaker swearing as he glared at his brother.

"You glitch! Tell me you didn't interface with Moonracer as a femme!" the yellow twin demanded.

"I can never lie to you, Sunny." Sideswipe said with a smirk. "I don't mind saying how great it was, either. Even better was that as a result, once we got back to Earth, I got to watch Prowl voluntarily get completely cratered. Which reminds me, whoever has the pictures, Moonracer wants copies. Well, actually, all the femmes do, but Moonracer in particular."

"You'll have to ask Jazz, he confiscated them all." Mirage commented.

"Drat." Sideswipe said. "Oh well, at least I can collect on the _other_ bet that Prowl lost." Prowl arched an optic ridge at Sideswipe.

"I was under the impression that I had already won that one." he said.

"Nope. Doesn't count. You weren't a mech, you thought he didn't know who you were, _and _you were completely cratered." Sideswipe said, bouncing slightly in his seat as he grinned like a maniac.

"Hmm, I suppose that's fair." Prowl mused. "However, the time limit isn't up yet. It hasn't been a full day since we returned."

"Well, no, technically you've got five minutes, but - _hey!"_ Sideswipe yelped as Prowl suddenly tossed his cube to Sunstreaker, hopped over the back of the couch, and took off running out of the rec room. "_No fair! I have to be there to see it!"_ Sideswipe yelled, taking off after the tactician, his twin just behind after handing off Prowl's empty cube to Bumblebee. There was a momentary pause in the rec room, and then there was a stampede as the off-duty Autobots followed after Prowl and the twins.

Most of them had some inkling of what was going on, judging from what Prowl and Sideswipe had said, so they weren't surprised when they ended up outside the control room, where Jazz was on duty currently. Peering inside, they found an odd mixture of expressions on the various mechs inside - Sideswipe looked amused, Sunstreaker was gaping, Prowl was smirking, and Jazz...Jazz looked dazed, and as if it was only Prowl's arm around his waist that was keeping him upright. It wasn't hard to figure out what the other Autobots had just missed.

"I believe you owe me a week of good behaviour, Sideswipe." Prowl said smugly. That seemed to bring Jazz out of his daze, and the saboteur whacked Prowl on the arm.

"Oh so now I'm just getting used to win bets?!" he demanded hotly, struggling slightly as he tried to pull away from the tactician.

"No, that's just a pleasant side affect." Prowl said, then there was a round of laughter and cat-calls as Prowl swept the saboteur up into a searing kiss.

"Primus, get a room you two!" Trailbreaker called when the two didn't show any sign of stopping even once the laughter and cat-calls calmed down. At that, Prowl drew away and looked mildly over at the black mech.

"Thank you, Trailbreaker, for volunteering to take Jazz's shift." the tactician said amiably.

"Wait, what?" Trailbreaker squawked, but Prowl didn't give him time to object any further, dragging a now goofily grinning Jazz after him as he left the command center. There was more laughter as the various mechs shoved Trailbreaker to his new post, ignoring his vows of vengeance, before everyone dispersed, either heading back to the rec room or back to their quarters for the night.

**- AND THUS IT ENDS FOR GOOD -**


End file.
